The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
