I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
