Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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