Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
