Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
