my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I think your dad took our porno
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
