he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
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