Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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