I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
