Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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