I think my fart just growled at me.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Randomize
