It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Randomize