Im at strip club and am horny
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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