saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
