through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
