I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
