Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
