I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Randomize
