So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
