I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Someone signed my nipple.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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