At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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