fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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