do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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