dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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