i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
