Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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