My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
