dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
