If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
