I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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