So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
