i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
