I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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