I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
