haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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