Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Randomize
