We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
