I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
