It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
