So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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