i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize