I want to have your abortion
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
