Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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