The maid of honor just puked.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
