she woke up with a sticky ear
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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