Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize