So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Apparently you make a good broom.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
