why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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