Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
