if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
