I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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