I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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