He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
