I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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